ibbu/Raising Securely Attached Children

This excerpt features a conversation between Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist, and Lisa Chan, a pediatric occupational therapist and parent coach, discussing the importance of fostering secure attachment in children. They critique traditional authoritarian parenting styles and also challenge the modern "gentle parenting" approach, arguing that neither effectively builds secure children. Instead, they advocate for parents to become securely attached themselves and then create a self-correcting family system where mistakes are acknowledged and repaired. This process, they explain, provides children with the necessary stability and experience of secure relationships, ultimately leading to resilience and confidence.

Quiz Questions (Short Answer - 2-3 sentences)	Quiz Answer Key
According to Adam Lane Smith, how does he view the potential for attachment to change throughout life, and whose work does he reference to support this view?	Adam Lane Smith believes attachment can continuously change throughout life, referencing the work of Carl Jung, who proposed life phases extending into older age. He contrasts this with Sigmund Freud's view that attachment is fixed by the end of childhood.
What is a "self-correcting system" in the context of parenting, and how is it built?	A self-correcting system is a family dynamic where problems are identified and fixed internally. It is built through secure attachment behavior, which includes open communication and the ability to apologize and make amends for mistakes.
How does Adam Lane Smith suggest parents should apologize to their children when they make a mistake?	When apologizing, Adam Lane Smith suggests explaining why the mistake happened (not as an excuse, but for understanding), taking responsibility, and outlining steps the parent will take to prevent the behavior from recurring.
What does Adam Lane Smith advise parents to do when their older child (e.g., 10, 12, 15) is resistant to a change in parenting approach?	Adam Lane Smith advises parents to sit down with the child during a peaceful moment and openly acknowledge they haven't always known the best way to parent. They should explain their desire to improve and propose a new approach for the benefit of the whole family.
Why does Adam Lane Smith believe gentle parenting is not the answer to raising securely attached children?	Adam Lane Smith views gentle parenting as an overcompensation for past parenting styles, describing it as making parents feel better rather than building secure attachment. He argues it can make the child the expert of the family dynamic, which is not conducive to healthy development.
According to the discussion, what is the only way for individuals to become securely attached?	According to the source, the only way for individuals to become securely attached is by experiencing secure attachment with another human being. A securely attached relationship between two people can help fix the attachment challenges of each individual.
Lisa Chan, a pediatric occupational therapist, describes the shift she sees in modern family dynamics compared to the "baby boomer" parenting style. What is this shift?	Lisa Chan observes a shift from the authoritarian "baby boomer" style (parent with a "brick") to a gentle parenting approach where children become the "ringleaders" or experts of the family. She sees this as moving too far to the opposite end of the spectrum.
According to Lisa Chan, why is it crucial for parents to address their own emotional regulation and attachment style before focusing solely on their child's behavior?	Lisa Chan emphasizes that parenting starts with the parent because they are the adult with a developed brain. Parents create the blueprint for their child's development, including self-regulation and connecting with others, making the parent's own state foundational.
Lisa Chan uses an analogy involving the sun and the earth to explain the parent's role in building secure attachment. Briefly describe this analogy.	The analogy compares the parent to the sun and the child to the earth. Just as the earth needs the sun's steady and predictable orbit to thrive, children need their parents to be consistent and stable so they can explore and return, knowing the parent is always there.
What negative impacts can insecure attachment in childhood have on a child's social development and mental health, according to Lisa Chan?	Insecure attachment can lead to struggles with personal confidence, difficulty interacting with peers, increased conflict, and challenges maintaining friendships. This can result in children feeling isolated and negatively impact their mental health.

How can I try to apply the lessons here to my son ibbu who's 3 and is living 10 hours away with his AvPD mom?

Based on the information in the sources, here is a response addressing your query about applying the lessons to your 3-year-old son, Ibbu, who lives 10 hours away with his mother who has AvPD:

Your query presents a complex situation involving distance, your son's young age, and the co-parent's diagnosed condition (AvPD). The sources primarily discuss the principles of building secure attachment within a family unit where the parent has regular, direct influence and control over the environment. They heavily emphasize the parent's own work on their attachment style and behavior, and the dynamics within the home environment, particularly for children from ages 3 to 18.

It's important to note that the provided sources do not offer specific guidance or strategies for navigating co-parenting challenges with an individual diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). The sources discuss parental attachment styles (anxious, avoidant) and their impact, but they do not delve into how to manage a parenting dynamic where one parent has a specific personality disorder. Therefore, the advice drawn from these sources will focus on what you can do based on the principles discussed, acknowledging the limitations imposed by distance and the co-parenting situation, which are not fully addressed in the material.

Despite the challenges, the sources offer foundational principles that can inform your interactions with Ibbu during the time you have with him, even if it's limited. The core message is that building secure attachment requires significant effort on the parent's part.

Here are some key principles from the sources that you can strive to apply in your role as Ibbu's parent, focusing on what you can control during your interactions:

• Focus on Your Own Security and Regulation: The sources explicitly state that building a securely attached child requires the parent to be fairly secure themselves. Adam Lane Smith shares his own experience of overcoming attachment issues to raise secure children. The starting point for any change, especially when dealing with a child's challenging behaviors, is to unpack you as the parent because you are the adult with the developed brain and create the blueprint for the child. You need to become securely attached yourself, not just with your child, but in other human relationships too. This involves self-regulating your own emotions and stress.
• Be Steady and Predictable: The sources use the analogy of the parent as the sun, and the child orbits the parent. This requires the parent to be so consistent and steady that the child feels safe to explore and return, always knowing the parent is there. While daily predictability might be difficult from afar, you can strive for predictability in your scheduled interactions (e.g., timing of calls, visits) and maintain a steady emotional presence during those times.
• Provide the Experience of Secure Attachment: Secure attachment is developed by experiencing secure relationships with other human beings. A secure relationship helps fix the attachment of the individuals within it. We are experiential creatures, not just intellectual ones, especially under stress. During your interactions with Ibbu, focus on providing him with consistent moments where he feels seen, heard, and responded to sensitively. This experience, even if not constant due to the living situation, contributes to his attachment development.
• Learn and Practice Communication Skills: The sources emphasize the importance of clear and effective communication. This includes explaining things to the child in a way they can understand, asking questions, and helping them share their needs. For a 3-year-old, this means bringing your language down to their level. Even over a distance, you can engage in communication that encourages him to express himself and helps him feel understood within the scope of your interactions.
• Model the "Self-Correcting Family System" During Your Time Together: A core concept presented is building a self-correcting system, which is possible through secure attachment behavior. This doesn't require you to be perfect, but to handle mistakes in a way that trains the child. If you make a mistake or get stressed during your time with Ibbu (e.g., react impatiently), model the process: apologize sincerely ("Daddy is really sorry that..."), briefly explain why it happened without making excuses ("Daddy was feeling stressed"), show how you will try to handle it differently next time (self-regulation), and help the child understand that people fix problems. This teaches him that relationships can weather difficult moments and that people can repair interactions.
• Don't Be Afraid of Your Child's Emotions: The sources advise against being afraid of your children or their emotions. Children push boundaries and express emotions as part of their development. While you may not be there to manage daily boundaries, during your interactions, allow Ibbu to express his feelings. Your ability to remain steady and accepting (not necessarily permissive) can be powerful.
• Embrace Your Role as Leader and Mentor: The parent's job is to be the leader and steady for the child. You are mentoring your child into a healthy adult. For a 3-year-old, being the leader isn't about strict rules from afar, but providing a sense of safety, structure, and guidance during your interactions. You set the tone for your time together.
• Recognize Your Job is to Learn the Skills: The sources are clear: it is the parent's job to learn the skills they didn't learn as a child and transfer proper knowledge to their children. There is "no excuse" and "no too busy" for this. This means actively seeking to understand secure attachment principles and how to apply them, especially given your specific circumstances.
• Seek Help If Needed: The sources recommend working with a specialist if you need help gathering communication skills and building the self-correcting system. They encourage getting help early if you see challenges or insecurity in your child. While the sources don't specify help for navigating co-parenting with AvPD, seeking professional support for your own journey and understanding how to best interact with Ibbu given the context could be beneficial.

Applying these lessons from a distance requires focusing intensely on the quality of the connection and interaction during the time you do share with Ibbu. Your effort to be secure, steady, communicative, and willing to repair relational ruptures when they occur within your sphere of influence can provide Ibbu with crucial experiences of secure attachment. The self-correcting system, in particular, offers a framework for handling the inevitable imperfections of parenting in a way that builds resilience and security.

Links:

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icnfvpr_XTc
2. https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/4d96b587-fd86-41d1-a711-eff3d7976886?authuser=1