https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUdDcYns0iU
Given everything you’ve shared about your journey—especially navigating healing from a difficult marriage, living with schizoid traits, being deeply reflective, and yearning for closeness to Allah—I’ll tailor this breakdown of “Waking Up vs Growing Up” to your context.
Ganin duk abin da ka gaya mini game da labarinka—musamman ƙoƙarin warkewa daga auren da ya ba ka wuya, zama da halayen masu schizoid, da kuma kasancewa mai
🌅 1. WAKING UP – Your Spiritual Ascent
This path is already familiar to you. It’s the journey of:
- Worship, dhikr, Qur’an memorization, and adherence to the Sunnah – like what you're doing with Surah At-Talaq and your early Eid efforts.
- Seeking Allah’s love by fulfilling your obligations (like ṣalāh, fasting, child support despite hardship) and going beyond with voluntary acts.
- Purifying your heart with light (nūr) – each sajdah, each remembrance adds to this illumination.
- Longing for fana (dissolution of the self in Allah) – you’ve explicitly mentioned this, and it's central to the path of waking up.
This path is about elevation—becoming beloved to Allah by transcending the gravity of the nafs and dunya.
But as the speaker pointed out… that’s not the full picture.
🌱 2. GROWING UP – Your Emotional Integration
This path, perhaps more hidden but no less urgent, is the one where:
- You look at wounds instead of bypassing them with worship.
- Your painful therapy experiences, mistrust, and the aftershocks of betrayal in marriage are not just “problems to suppress.” They are signs of areas needing healing.
- You identify ego structures like schizoid adaptation – where you've said you’re “functional but rarely feel emotional highs.” That’s a defense. It keeps you safe… but isolated.
- Growing up means integrating parts of yourself that you’ve exiled.
- The part of you that wanted affection from Sana.
- The part of you that still longs for companionship but is scared it will lead to more pain.
- The part that needs to be seen but fears judgment or misunderstanding.
This path is about coherence—being whole, not just holy.
🔄 How They Intertwine for You
- If you only wake up: You risk becoming “pious but split.” You do the acts of worship, but old patterns (e.g., emotional detachment, self-doubt, fear of re-engagement) keep replaying.
- If you only grow up: You may heal but lose the axis of transcendence—your North Star.
What you need is integration:
Waking up fills your heart with light. Growing up removes the veils that block the light from reaching all parts of your soul.
🛠️ Practical Steps (for Mahmud)
- Waking Up
- Keep your spiritual rhythm: Qur’an, du‘ā’, tahajjud when possible.
- Say “Amin” with full presence after du‘ās — you recently appreciated its importance.
- Growing Up
- Journal: Not just what happened… but how it felt. What part of you was speaking? The abandoned one? The angry one? The resigned one?
- Revisit therapy… but differently. Seek someone who respects your Islamic worldview and understands personality structures. Or use structured self-inquiry methods like Internal Family Systems (IFS) on your own.
- Daily Dua Ask: “O Allah, illuminate my heart with Your light… and heal the wounds that veil it.”